


Finding Themselves

by Elliekat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Coming Out, Confessions, Crushes, Gender Identity, Identity Issues, Nonbinary Character, Other, Sexual Orientation, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2018-06-08 05:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6840295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elliekat/pseuds/Elliekat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata Shouyo has his first crush on a boy. Meanwhile, Kozume Kenma wonders if that's really accurate. A lot of bravery will be needed by both of them to be true to themselves and each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hinata's Crush

**Author's Note:**

> The fic I wanted to read so much I dug up my account to post it myself. Hopefully the other chapters won't take as long to write as this first one did. Depending on where I decide to go with this, the rating might go up to T but definitely no higher. 
> 
> In this fic Kenma is DMAB nonbinary. I am DFAB myself but I will be doing my best to portray Kenma's struggles as accurately as possible. Kenma's not in this first chapter, but feel free to leave a comment if there are issues you want me to address/pitfalls you want me to stay away from. Thanks in advance for your support! Three cheers for diverse nonbinary experiences in fanfic!

Shouyo had a secret he hadn't told anyone yet. It started off so small, but had rapidly increased into an inferno that had its fiery grip tight on his heart. Yeah, it was a big, stupid crush. Not his first crush ever, there had been plenty of those throughout middle school. And he was pretty sure he and everyone else had at least a little crush on Kiyoko-san. But that wasn't the point, the point was that this crush was special. So special he didn't know what to do, because it was the first ever crush he had had on a boy. His crush was his friend the Nekoma setter, Kozume Kenma. 

He wasn't one to deny his own feelings. Sometimes he didn't notice things, that was true. But this crush was too strong to notice. It wasn't love at first sight or anything like that, though he had definitely always thought Kenma was a cool person. Who wouldn't? The way he played volleyball fired Shouyo right up, almost even more than Kageyama's tosses did. He wanted to play against Kenma all the time, a million times until he could see that spark in his eyes again. And of course, he really wanted to be Kenma's friend.

And yeah, he could admit he had been a little dense about his feelings. Sometime in between getting Kenma's number and their loss against Seijoh, he had started thinking a lot more about his friend. Like, at times when it didn't really make sense. Of course he would think of Kenma when he saw an advertisement for a cool-looking game, but then he started thinking of him when he learned something interesting in class, or saw an especially pretty sunrise while biking to school, or even sometimes when he was just lying in his bed alone. 

And he was even more impatient with Kenma's texts that he usually was with everyone else's. He had a bad habit of sending too many texts when someone didn't respond to him right away, it was true. But he got completely hung up on Kenma's messages in a way he didn't for anyone else. If Kageyama didn't text him back quickly, he got annoyed, but eventually he forgot about it until he actually got a reply text. But whenever he texted Kenma, his fingers itched to check his phone practically every five seconds and he could barely think of anything else until he got a response. It had even kept him up too late at night a few times.

But it wasn't until they found out about the trip to Tokyo that he actually managed to figure out what he was feeling. The excitement of playing volleyball against such strong teams blurred into the excitement of seeing Kenma again. Of course he had been telling him all about their games and their training, but what would he actually think when he saw Shouyo play again? Would he finally be excited? Would he be impressed? Unbidden, an image popped into Shouyo's mind of Kenma, face awestruck as he saw how well Shouyo was playing. He would smile, a really big smile that Shouyo was dying to see. And then after the games they would walk back to the locker room, and Kenma would have that spark in his eyes, and he would look at Shouyo and tell him he was amazing and how much he wanted to play with him again. His face would be really close, and he would tilt his head to the side with a smile, and maybe Shouyo would reach out to brush a strand of blond hair out of his eyes...

Oh, it was a crush, Shouyo thought. After a thought like that, there was really no going back.

It was surprisingly easy to admit the crush to himself, even though it was his first-ever crush on a boy. Kenma was really beautiful, after all. And the way he stared at Shouyo during a game got him excited even in ways that had nothing to do with volleyball. 

Shouyo was lucky too, because he knew his family would support him no matter what. He didn't have to be afraid at home, but school and the volleyball team were a different story. They never really talked about this sort of thing with one another on the team, so he didn't know anyone's true feelings on the issue. He didn't even know how Kenma felt, which was the biggest problem. He had only just gotten Kenma to be his friend, he wouldn't be able to stand it if he confessed and Kenma decided he was gross and didn't want to even be friends.

Shouyo was in history class the next day when decided he would gather all of his bravery and ask for help. He had never confessed to anyone, much less a boy. Was it supposed to be different for boys? He was already taking a risk if he decided to confess in the first place, so he didn't want it to be any less than the best confession ever. But the real trouble was who he would ask for help. He could ask his mother, but maybe it would be better to get help from a peer. Someone who would really be able to understand. He stared intently at the blackboard, trying to think of moments where one of his teammates might have given hints that they would be accepting of him. 

Kageyama, of course, wouldn't be able to help with love matters even if he was okay with Shouyo dating a boy. He never thought about anything other than volleyball. And he would probably just use the crush to tease and insult Shouyo even more. He wasn't even going to think about asking Tsukishima, because he definitely would never stop teasing Shouyo for it, and while Yamaguchi would probably be alright he didn't want to risk it getting back to Tsukishima somehow. Tanaka and Nishinoya would probably be happy to help with love matters, but they both only ever talked about girls. What if they thought liking boys was weird and gross? He knew they were the coolest on the team when it came to volleyball moves, but the way Kiyoko-san brushed them off all the time didn't give Shouyo much faith in their romantic abilities. The third-years, though, he felt safest talking to them. Even when Shouyo had done really stupid things in games or in practice, they never held it against him. Still, though, a little nervousness was in the back of his mind. What if he was totally wrong and they did think he was gross? What if they kicked him off the team and he couldn't play volleyball anymore? Maybe he could pretend he was just kidding... but then he could never talk about this sort of thing again... He pressed the tip of his pencil hard into his notebook, drawing a dark frowning face in the margin. Why did everything have to be so difficult? 

By the time school ended and he was on his way to practice, he was starting to feel brave again. Out of all the third years, the nicest was definitely Sugawara. He hadn't even been angry at Kageyama when he lost his spot as starting setter, so Shouyo was sure talking to him would be alright. 

The practice seemed to go so fast, and Shouyo didn't even notice the third years going back into the locker room until he had already asked Kageyama for another toss. "Wait!!" he shouted, racing across the gym and ignoring the angry yelling from Kageyama behind him. 

When he finally burst through the door into the locker room, he saw Sugawara in the middle of packing up his gym bag. Daichi and Asahi were talking to each other about something on the other side of the room. This was probably the best chance he would get for a while, he thought as he gulped down his sudden nervousness. 

"S-sugawara-senpai! Um..." Sugawara turned at the sound of his voice, smiling gently at Shouyo. His obviously open smile gave Shouyo just a tiny bit more courage. "Can I... can I talk to you about something? Please?"

Sugawara looked surprised for a moment before his smile returned. "Of course, Hinata. Do you need more help with your schoolwork? I hope you've been paying attention in class, I want to go to Tokyo with the whole team!"

"Well... its's not really that. It's... um..." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Daichi and Asahi leaving. It was now or never. You can do it, Shouyo, he shouted to himself inside his head. "The thing is I have a crush but it's on a boy and I hope you still let me play volleyball I promise it's not any of you guys and I'm not a pervert but that doesn't mean you guys are ugly I just don't have a crush on you! But the point is I've never asked anyone out before and I don't know if it's different for a boy or anything so I wanted to ask for help and I'm not trying to say you have experience asking out boys or anything but I thought you'd be the best listener!! Yeah..." He sucked in air, realizing he had said all of that in one breath and feeling his face burning in a combination of embarrassment and overexertion. He realized his hands were shaking slightly as the second before his teammate replied seemed to stretch into an eternity. 

After that one excruciating second of silence, Sugawara's hand settled onto his shoulder. His face hadn't changed, he was still smiling and Shouyo felt his wildly beating heart begin to fill with hope. 

"It's alright, Hinata," Sugawara said soothingly. "I promise I don't think you should be kicked off the team. And I'm not going to tell anyone else unless you give permission, okay?" 

Shouyo nodded quickly in reply, his lips starting to wobble at how nice Sugawara was being to him. All of his tension had escaped, leaving him feeling limp and emotional right there in the locker room. 

"Now Hinata, is this guy someone you're friends with already, or is it just a stranger? You don't have to tell me exactly who it is if you don't want to, but when it comes to sharing your feelings, that sort of thing is obviously important," Sugawara continued. Shouyo was practically bursting with gratitude at the gentleness his teammate was showing him. He had been fully prepared to answer any number of strange questions just as long as no one thought he was disgusting, but Sugawara was taking things so easy. It was so much better than he could have ever hoped for, and he felt comfortable enough to tell Sugawara the full truth. 

"It's definitely someone who's a friend. Actually, it's... it's Kenma from Nekoma!" he whispered loudly, trying his best to keep his voice down even though there was no way the other first years still cleaning the gym could hear him. "I just think he's so beautiful and when I wait for him to text me or think about going to Tokyo with the team and seeing him again my heart just goes so bwaahhh and he's so interesting I mean when he bothers to reply to my texts... But I'm afraid..." he said, slowing down again. "I'm afraid he'll think I'm a pervert if I tell him... and I really would rather just be friends than have him hate me, Sugawara-senpai!"

"Kozume-kun, huh..." Sugawara mused. "I don't think you have anything to worry about, Hinata. Kuroo-san told Daichi and I once that Kozume-kun is nicer to you than to anyone on their team, you know."

Shouyo's heart felt like it was about to explode. Kuroo-san had really said such a thing!? And Kenma... he wanted to stand on the roof of the gymnasium and yell out to anyone that Kenma thought he was special! 

Sugawara gave him an understanding smile. "So you see, I think it will be alright even if he doesn't return your feelings. And if anything bad happens, you can always tell me, okay?" Shouyo nodded, trying to stop his facial expression from wobbling any more in front of his third-year teammate. "Now, I know confessing seems hard and it makes you nervous," Sugawara continued, "but if you're already friends it will be easier. Plus, there's only one thing you need to remember. Just do something that makes your crush happy. The best way to show someone that you'll be a good partner for them is to show them you care about making them happy. I'm sure you know better than I do what sort of thing would make Kozume-kun happy, Hinata." Sugawara patted Shouyo on the shoulder. 

"T-thank you so much Sugawara-senpai, I- I really-" Shouyo could feel tears pricking at his eyes, which was so stupid because Sugawara wasn't even saying anything bad, but he couldn't stop a huge smile from breaking out across his face.

"No problem, Hinata! And good luck!" Sugawara said on his way out of the looker room. 

Hinata was full of energy in that moment. He was going to study super extra hard so he could go to Tokyo and see Kenma again, and now he knew that he would try to confess sometime during their trip. Would he buy him a video game gift? Shouyo had no idea where to find these things in Miyagi. Kenma could go to cool stores in Akihabara as much as he wanted, so would Shouyo even be able to find something better than that? Maybe he should just offer to watch Kenma's favorite anime with him, and then tell him at the end? 

Well, there was still plenty of time to think about it, he reasoned. His heart seemed to pound loudly in his chest whenever he thought of confessing, and he couldn't wait for the Tokyo trip to come.


	2. Kenma's Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma has a lot of questions.

Kenma had a secret too. It was something fuzzy, unsure, but it seemed to burn in his heart more every day. He had only recently begun thinking about it, and sometimes he wished he could go back to the days when he didn't know what it was, because it was tormenting him practically every day. 'Am I really a boy, or not?' It cycled through his head, aggravating all of his anxieties and driving him up the wall.

Though when he really thought about it the feelings had been going on for a while, all the worries had come to a head with an offhand comment from a teammate that he had heard a million times before. At one of their practices with Fukurodani, Bokuto's cannon-shot spike came flying at his hands and he reflexively jerked them out of the way.

Almost simultaneously with the sound of the ball hitting the ground came the yell of Coach Nekomata. "Kenma! When you're a blocker, you need to block the ball! Stop avoiding it like that, it's not gonna break your hand no matter how hard he spikes!" Kenma grimaced. He had a little muscle just from how much he played, but his arms weren't like Kuroo's. And the feeling stinging in his palms after directly blocking one of Bokuto's spikes kept him on edge all night. 

"The ball won't bite you, Kenma," Kuroo said teasingly. Kenma opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by the call of one of his fellow second years on the bench. "Aren't you a man, Kenma?!" 

No, he thought. A second later, he was hit with a wave of shock. Wait a minute, what was that thought? Why did he think that?

"--et with it, Kenma!" Kuroo's voice snapped him out of his quickly spiraling thoughts just in time for him to receive the incoming serve. He shook his head, trying to turn his focus back to the game they were playing. It was just something dumb that didn't mean anything, anyways. He had weird anxiety-filled thoughts all the time. 

But this one just wouldn't go away. Nothing he threw at it seemed to stick. He didn't feel like a girl, did he? he thought while eating dinner with the team that night as he eyed the female managers of the other teams. Of course he knew transgender people existed, it was the 21st century and people were talking about them more and more especially on the internet. Could he imagine himself as one of the managers? Sitting with them, hanging out with them, growing his hair out and tying it up, wearing those clothes... he thought hard enough that Kuroo asked if he was constipated. It just wasn't fitting, though. He couldn't really imagine himself as a girl. So it was just a ridiculous though, he told himself firmly. I don't want to be a girl, so what else could I be but a boy?

He just didn't like the implication that he had to be all big and buff like Kuroo, he told himself after lying awake in bed for an hour that night. Kuroo's physique was fine enough for Kuroo, but the thought of Kenma looking like that made him slightly nauseous. Besides, building muscles was too much effort. 

He closed his eyes, but his treacherous brain wouldn't let up. You like your slim figure then, Kenma? he thought. Didn't you always hope you'd be smaller than Kuroo, when he hit that growth spurt? Was that just some suppressed feeling of wanting to be a girl?

Kuroo dragged him out of the house the day after the practice with a promise to visit the video game store in the mall. When Kenma was playing volleyball or a video game his mind was too occupied to think anything else, but as they walked to the store his thoughts began plaguing him again. He looked at the women's fashion displays all around him. Did he secretly want to wear stuff like that? The image he conjured in his mind of him wearing a dress looked so wrong. All he had ever wanted in fashion was to be comfortable, cover himself and not stick out or be noticed. Everyone would definitely notice if he was wearing a dress or a skirt, and not in a good way. 

He had noticed Kuroo's looks at him when he had been thinking these things. Kuroo was probably worried, like he always was when Kenma started spacing out about something. But he hadn't said anything to Kuroo yet. For one thing, it was too scary. Just the thought of saying something turned his stomach into a tight knot. What would Kuroo think? Maybe he would just laugh at him, or be disgusted. It was one thing to have a crush on a boy, like he had on Shouyo even before these troublesome thoughts began. That crush hadn't really troubled him, because he knew his best friend was alright with it. Plus, it wasn't as if he had the social skills to ever act on it, anyways. Kuroo liked everyone and anyone, so he hadn't even blinked an eye when Kenma confessed that he wasn't straight. But with gender... it was deeper. Kuroo might think he was really a pervert. Or maybe this would be the thing that would be too much for his best friend. Kenma knew he had always been weird and difficult to get along with, and yet Kuroo had always been there anyways. But what if this finally pushed him away for good? Besides, how would he even say how he felt? "I'm not really sure if I'm really a boy, but I don't know if I want to be a girl either." Even just thinking that sentence, it sounded weak. How was anyone meant to take such a weak thing seriously? 

He didn't even know what would change about his life. Asking others to call him a girl's name, or something like that, was a sure way for everyone to pay too much attention to him. And he certainly wasn't about to ask anyone to change things for him, only to discover he was wrong and have them change back later. 

Kenma tried to read articles by transgender people online, but it wasn't helping. The more he read, the more confused he felt. Everyone seemed to say they had known their true gender when they were little kids, but he was almost 17 and only thinking of these things now. He started searching desperately in his memories for even the slightest hints from his childhood that might mean something. He was an only child, so it wasn't like there had even been girl's toys around for him to play with as a kid. Besides, he had always preferred video games and books to entertain himself. Did he ever hate his boy's clothes? Not really, he just hated clothes that made him stand out. Did he feel trapped in his body? He tried generally not to think all that much about his body. He supposed it was okay. He didn't love it, but didn't hate it either. All in all, his questioning didn't help him much at all. He tried to ignore the intruding thoughts as best he could. 

They successfully stayed away, or at least remained small and not too troublesome, until their practice match with Karasuno. Once again, it was Shouyo's fault that he began to feel things he didn't usually feel. Because of Shouyo, everything came back to hit him full force.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo boy, this chapter. I did my best to portray something realistic that wasn't totally a self-insertion. If it wouldn't be totally boring to read, I'd rather have such a realization take longer but this isn't that sort of epic sweeping fic. Please leave feedback in a comment if you have anything burning to say! 
> 
> Next chapter we'll get to the good romantic stuff so stay tuned! Hopefully it won't take me as long to write as these chapters.


	3. Confession

Shouyo's heart was beating hard as Saeko-neesan screeched into the parking lot of the gymnasium, and not (just) because of her driving. Just a few more minutes and he would finally play volleyball with everyone again, and see Kenma again! His heart could barely handle the thought of those golden eyes on him as he played. He only hoped that sometime in the two-day practice he would have time alone with Kenma where he could say something to him. Otherwise he would have to wait two more weeks until the group training camp, and he thought he might explode if he had to wait any longer. 

When he and Kageyama opened the gym doors together, he quickly scanned the room to find Kenma. It didn't take him too long; with that two-toned hair, Kenma was pretty easy to spot. He was already looking at Shouyo, who couldn't help but be reminded of those times when he could see clearly over the net while spiking. Even though Kenma was all the way across the courts, Shouyo felt like he could see those sparkling eyes as clearly as if he were up close. He smiled at Kenma, cheeks slightly warm with both the excitement of playing and of seeing his crush again. 

His crush on Kenma was strong, but volleyball was stronger. As they played their last game of the day, everything not related to volleyball was driven from his mind. It wasn't until Shouyo had finished celebrating their victory and looked up to see Nekoma heading for the locker rooms that he got excited again about the other parts of this trip. 

"Kenmaaaaa!" he yelled, sprinting across the court to catch him before he left the gym. Kenma turned around just as he skidded to a stop next to him. Shouyo opened his arms wide, and when Kenma gave him a little nod, he leapt forward to wrap his arms around him in a hug. 

Kenma didn't usually like to be touched, that much was obvious to anyone who met him. The only one who did anyways was Kuroo, and even then Kenma pushed him off half the time. But talking to Sugawara about his crush had made Shouyo feel bold enough to text Kenma that night: _Kenma!! I'm so excited for the group practice! I can't believe it's so soon! I'm soooo excited to see you Kenma, can I give you a hug when I get there??? :DDD_

He was restless for the hour it took Kenma to reply, checking his phone practically every five minutes. Finally, a message came in: _maybe... I'll let you know._ Shouyo was ecstatic. Even if Kenma didn't feel like hugging when the time actually came, the fact that he hadn't rejected the idea outright made Shouyo feel like the most special person in the world. 

And now they were here, and Kenma was in his arms. His body was pretty stiff, but Shouyo could see a small smile on his face. Nevertheless, he made it a short hug so Kenma wouldn't be uncomfortable. No sooner did he release him than Kuroo's voice came from the now-open locker room door. "Ohoho? What are you doing with my setter, Chibi-chan?"

Kenma's face immediately turned into a scowl as he glared at his friend out of the corner of his eye. Shouyo couldn't help but shudder a little; he had only had those eyes on him in calculation or in a positive way, and he couldn't imagine what it would be like to be glared at like that. Kuroo seemed used to it, though, because he remained unfazed.

"Ignore him," muttered Kenma, pushing past Kuroo to enter the locker room. "Let's get ready to eat dinner, Shouyo. I'm starving." 

"Yeah! I'm soooo hungry!!" Shouyo said, grateful for the escape from such an awkward conversation with Kuroo. 

They ate dinner together, chatting about their games that day and Shouyo's make-up exams. Of course, Shouyo talked about three times more than Kenma did, but he didn't mind. If Kenma was sick of you he would let you know it, but his eyes stayed fixed on Shouyo the entire time as he listened to his rambling. 

"And then I got to the last space on the exam but there was still one question left! I was like oh my god how could I be such an idiot! I tried to fill them in right but there were only five minutes left so I still failed. I hope you don't think I'm stupid though, Kenma! I still got them all right if I hadn't put them in wrong!" Shouyo paused to take a long drink of his miso soup, soothing his throat after he had been talking about his exams for the past five minutes straight. 

Kenma broke eye contact, smiling down at his tray of food. "Maybe just a little bit. But I'm still proud of you for studying, Shouyo." 

Shouyo beamed at him, his heart rate going back up. Could Kenma be any more perfect? He hoped that soon, they would get some time to talk privately. He pushed all of the doubtful thoughts out of his mind. Kenma was sweet and Shouyo was brave enough to do this. 

\--

Kenma sat on his sleeping bag with Shouyo, finally relaxing a little now that he was away from all of the other volleyball players. However, he hadn't been able to relax completely since the afternoon. He had been so disappointed when Shouyo hadn't shown up right away, but as soon as he had arrived, Kenma hadn't been able to calm down. Now that they were finally alone, all of his emotions were redoubled. Just a few days ago he had been thinking about how his crush was small and he could handle it well enough, but he wasn't anticipating the effect that actually seeing Shouyo would have on him. Of course, he was still too shy to actually mention it to the crush in question. 

No sooner had he thought that than Shouyo scooted closer to him on the blanket. "Hey, Kenma..." he said, uncharacteristically quiet. "Can I ask you something?"

It's not gonna be anything like that, Kenma thought to himself. Don't get your hopes up. He wordlessly turned his eyes on Shouyo and nodded, not trusting himself to say anything eloquently. 

"Do you-" Shouyo couldn't seem to make eye contact with him. "Do you think I'm your friend?"

"Y-yeah... you're my friend, Shouyo," Kenma whispered. He didn't mean to say it so dramatically quiet, but his voice wouldn't go up any higher. 

"Will you still be friends with me... even if I say something really weird?"

Kenma raised his eyebrows. "Um... I don't really know how could you be any weirder than me?" He noticed that Shouyo was biting his lip and bouncing up and down slightly where he sat. "I don't think anything will make me stop being friends with you, Shouyo. Unless you're some kind of murderer." He tried to smile, but his own heart was beating so fast he wasn't sure how it came out. 

Shouyo smiled back at him. "Well... the thing is..." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I... I really like you, Kenma! You're my best friend but also I have a crush on you and I want to date you! I- I understand if you don't like boys and I promise I won't do anything weird that you don't want but really I just want to be friends first so if you don't want to date that's okay as long as we can still be friends!"

Kenma was in shock. He never thought he would be hearing these actual words from Shouyo's actual mouth. Of course he had noticed Shouyo's excited barrage of text messages, the hug, the way he stayed close to Kenma whenever possible that day... but in the back of his mind, he didn't really believe that Shouyo could really like someone like him. Wasn't he so boring compared to Shouyo's blinding light and energy? And yet, he couldn't deny the words he had just heard or the expectant look on Shouyo's face, his eyes still squeezed shut. 

"Um..." he paused, face rapidly heating up. Come on, Kenma, just say it! He already said it, so there's no way he could hate you for saying it now. "I like you too, Shouyo..." His voice dropped to the smallest whisper, barely even audible, but Shouyo's eyes flew open anyways. 

"REALLY?" Shouyo threw his arms around Kenma for a moment before recoiling. "Oh my god I'm sorry I just..."

"It's okay, Shouyo," Kenma said, finally managing to bring his gaze up to make eye contact. "If we're... gonna date... you can hug me whenever you want."

The last word barely left his mouth before Shouyo was crushing him in his arms again. "Do you really mean it Kenma? You wanna date?! Are you sure I'm not dreaming this?!?"

Kenma smiled again, wider this time. Not only was Shouyo's body against his warm, but his enthusiasm felt like a direct beam of sunshine. "Y-yeah... but... um..." He didn't want to break the mood by being serious, but it needed to be said. "Let's keep it a secret, okay? Kuroo knows... but..."

Shouyo nodded seriously. "I understand, Kenma, I was just about to say the same thing actually... Sugawara-senpai knows but I don't know how anyone else on my team would feel about this..." He made a silly grimace, sticking out his tongue. "And I especially don't want Tsukishima or Kageyama to find out! They'll never let me rest!" 

Kenma laughed softly, leaning his head forward to rest on Shouyo's shoulder. Everything was feeling slightly unreal, like he was floating on the clouds. He could see why Shouyo had wondered if he was in a dream. 

"Hey Kenma..." Shouyo whispered. "Can I... kiss you? Just on the cheek, for now! We don't have to do anything too fast... I was just wondering..."

Kenma was blushing furiously and couldn't bring himself to meet his new boyfriend's eyes, but he lifted his head and nodded shyly. "It- It's okay," he mumbled, and immediately felt soft, warm lips press gently to the side of his face. His whole body tingled at the touch. How could Shouyo just do these things with seemingly no embarrassment? Well, he was probably lucky to have someone like that, since he couldn't have ever done it himself. 

Shouyo pulled back after just a moment. "Sugawara-senpai told me to do something special, but I couldn't think of anything... so I hope this was good enough," he said. "You're the first boy I've ever liked and the first person I've ever dated so I just want to make everything special!"

"You're... the first one I've dated, too," Kenma whispered. The "boy" part made his stomach flip a little, but he did his best to shove it down. Now wasn't the time to bring up things like that. If Shouyo was going to think he was too weird and break up with him for that, he might as well enjoy dating him for a little while first. "...And don't worry. Anything you do... is enough." He felt the blush break out over his face again. When did he start saying such sappy things out loud?

Suddenly, they heard Inuoka and Yamamoto's voices coming closer from outside the room. The two of them pulled apart with matching reddened faces, settling themselves a non-suspicious distance from each other just as the Nekoma players opened the door. Kenma couldn't help but sigh a little; it was going to be difficult to find time to be themselves when they had to keep things a secret. And there was still the problem of that troublesome questioning that just wouldn't leave him alone for good. But in that moment, looking at the bright smile on Shouyo's face, Kenma really began to believe it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever think "I can get this done quickly" only to find that the characters just won't shut up? Hopefully I can keep writing this quickly, though! And I hope you all enjoyed this bit of fluff. Next time, the summer training camp, more sneaking, more cute stuff, and more tough decisions for Kenma. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Shouyo managed to corner Kenma behind one of the vans for a kiss before they went home, safely out of eyesight of the others for just a moment. This time their lips pressed together, warm and dry. Kenma liked how warm Shouyo's mouth was against his, and the way their hands were linked together. He could practically feel the energy radiating from Shouyo through every point of contact. 

They pulled apart all too quickly, not wanting to risk anyone coming and looking for them. Shouyo's eyes were sparkling, and Kenma could hardly look at his bright, smiling face. He knew his face was completely red, but he felt better than he had in weeks. The next two weeks before they would see each other again loomed ahead of him like a gray, overcast sky. 

As if he knew what Kenma was thinking, Shouyo squeezed his hands. "It's okay Kenma, I'll miss you but two weeks isn't so long! And besides, I'm always a call or text away! You can message me whenever you get lonely, alright?" 

Finally looking back up at Shouyo, Kenma gave him a small smile. "I will... thanks, Shouyo." 

When the Karasuno van drove away, Kenma tried to imprint the sight of Shouyo smiling and waving at him in his memory. Honestly, everything still felt a little like a dream. He had never imagined that this was the way he would be ending the group practice. 

On the Nekoma team's way home, once most of their players had nodded off in the car, Kuroo began poking Kenma in the side. "Sooo... what's going on with you and Chibi-chan?" he said with a knowing smile. 

Kenma sighed in annoyance, trying to close his eyes. "None of your business." Of course, that wouldn't even deter Kuroo on a good day. His best friend continued with the bothersome assault. 

"You can't hide anything from me, Kenma, so spit it out already." 

"If you already know so much why do you need me to tell you?" Kenma turned away from Kuroo in his seat. 

"Why, Kenma, you know I care about you and I want you to be happy. Of course I want to know these things."

Kenma grimaced, squeezing his eyes further shut. "I'll text it to you later."

He ignored Kuroo's exclamation of "Ohoho! Something you don't want anyone else to hear, huh!?" and tried his best to fall asleep. 

It wasn't until late into the night, when he was almost certain Kuroo would be asleep, that he actually messaged him. _we're dating now_ was all he sent. Kuroo would know what he was talking about, there was no need to expend effort to write a more elaborate message. 

To his surprise, within five minutes his phone rang with a response. Kenma didn't look at it, though. Kuroo would bother him enough about it tomorrow. He didn't want a million questions to interfere with his late-night gaming plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> donut worry, I am still writing this! It's been busy so this is a short chapter, but there will be more. Thank you all for your comments, I'm so glad everyone's liking this fic!


	5. Start of Training Camp

On the morning Karasuno left for the training camp, everyone was half-asleep except Shouyo. He was practically bouncing in his bus seat the entire trip, while his teammates slept around him. Of course, the prospect of playing volleyball for a whole week against such powerful teams was exciting enough, but what really kept Shouyo awake was the anticipation of seeing Kenma again. 

It was still hard sometimes for him to believe they were really dating now. Occasionally he had to pinch himself to make absolutely sure it wasn't a dream. And of course there was the fact that he hadn't actually told anyone else. If he told his team members, that would mean coming out to them and the thought still made him super nervous. Plus, there was no telling who it would get to if he told them. He was sure his parents would be okay with it, but somehow he just didn't feel ready to tell them yet. Besides, it wasn't as if it were especially difficult to hide a relationship where most of the talking was through text messages.

Kenma had never really been inclined to call for as long as Shouyo had known him, and from the way his other team members talked about him Shouyo would be surprised if he had ever willingly made a phone call. He wasn't about to push Kenma to do anything he didn't want, but he made up for the lack of calls with as many texts as he could discreetly send throughout the day. He told Kenma everything he could about school, his family, and volleyball practices, and although Kenma only replied to about one in five texts, seeing that his boyfriend was reading the messages made Shouyo's heart squeeze in his chest. 

Well, not boyfriend exactly. Shouyo was still thinking of a good word to describe Kenma after he had told him he didn't want to be called that. _I just don't like the word very much_ , Kenma had told him after Shouyo had sent a long message ending with "I'm so glad you're my boyfriend now" or something along those lines. Shouyo could understand, the word did seem a bit childish when he thought about it. The problem was, he didn't know of another word that he liked. "Partner" sounded too formal, especially when they had only been dating a week, and that was the only thing he could think of. It wasn't a big deal at the moment though, and anyways he would be seeing Kenma soon. He could just ask him sometime during the training camp. 

Shouyo could barely contain himself by the time the bus pulled into Shinzen. Nekoma seemed to have only arrived slightly beforehand, with their team members milling around in the parking lot. Shouyo could see Kenma's distinctive blond hair among them, and every second on the bus suddenly felt three times longer. 

"Keeeeenmaaaaaa!!!!!" he yelled as soon as he stepped onto the pavement, smile stretching even wider across his face when Kenma turned to him. Kenma's own face turned pink upon their eye contact, a small smile cracking his usual flat expression and sending butterflies speeding through Hinata's whole body. 

Shouyo couldn't help it, his legs moved even faster than when Kageyama was racing him to carry him to Kenma's side. He threw his arms around Kenma for a brief hug. It was lucky that they could still do this while keeping things a secret, he thought. He was cheerful and hugging others wasn't out of character for him, as Kenma had explained in a text, so it was unlikely anyone would suspect anything if they kept their hugs short. Kenma was always the expert on what other people were thinking, so Shouyo trusted him. 

"I'm so excited to play more volleyball with you, Kenma! I know it's only been a week but I always want to play with you guys! Nekoma is good but we're gonna beat you this time, just watch!!" A large structure caught his eye as Kenma guided him gently towards the high school with a hand on his shoulder. "Is that the Tokyo Skytree?!"

"Uh... that's just a normal steel tower..." Kenma said, looking a little nervous. 

"Awwww, that's still not it? I'll find it someday!!" And then I'll visit with you, Kenma, he wanted to say but couldn't with the others around. Maybe Kenma knew anyways, though? He was really good at this stuff, Shouyo knew. He would be sure to text him later and tell him that they should go on a date (since they were dating!!!) to the Skytree sometime, just so he would be sure to know.

He wanted to kiss Kenma again so badly, or at least squeeze their hands together, but with the others around it wasn't possible. Hopefully with such a long training camp there would be at least a couple moments where they could have some alone time. 

Shinzen was bigger than any gym Shouyo had ever seen before, with lots of empty hallways that he might be able to sneak a moment with Kenma in, but there were also so many people around that it made him nervous. And what if someone thought it was weird that he was around Kenma so much? His spirits had started to fall a bit. It wasn't fair that he liked Kenma so much but it was still so hard for them to do what they wanted.

"It's okay, Shouyo," came Kenma's soft whisper from next to him, if he had been reading his mind (and maybe he really could? it sure seemed like it sometimes, they would have to test it out). Shouyo looked over at him, and his heart jumped when he saw the shimmering gold of Kenma's eyes looking directly at him. Something about the way Kenma gazed at him made him really believe they could do anything together. 

He grinned at Kenma in return. "Alright!!" There were still many days of camp ahead of them, they would make it happen somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the slow pace, somehow I just want to write every scene possible with these two. Thank you all so much for enjoying this fic! I'm planning on finishing it for sure, even if it takes me a while to write the chapters. Don't worry, we will get to more of the good stuff soon in the next chapter. Hope you like this one!


	6. Kiss in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing each other again sets a fire in Kenma and Shouyo’s hearts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all, I am so deeply sorry to keep you hanging on this fic. I had almost the entire final chapter written, then I dropped my phone in a creek (#fieldbiologistproblems) and the backup I restored my new phone from erased it. I was so disheartened I ended up not writing more of this for like a whole year... BUT!!! I’m definitely going to finish. I hope this chapter of fluff will redeem me in your eyes. Your sweet comments were honestly the main motivation for me to write more and I appreciate you all so much!
> 
> Edit: Also changed the rating to T because of the kissin’ :P

With four teams worth of players, coaches, and managers around, it was harder than ever for Shouyo and Kenma to find time alone, but they were managing. Playing against one another was as fun as ever, and Shouyo had missed that a lot too, but he wanted so badly to hold Kenma’s hand and kiss him. During the day, though, the others were always around. The first night of the training camp, while everyone was filtering to their bedrooms after free practice, Shouyo managed to hang back from the group with Kenma. Everyone walked past as they stood outside the cafeteria, and then for the first time they were alone. 

Looking into Kenma’s golden eyes, Shouyo felt like his heart might burst. “Kenma, I missed you so much!” 

“It was only a couple weeks,” Kenma said, but a light blush crept over his cheeks. 

Shouyo stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Kenma in the close hug he wished he could have given him that morning. Kenma tensed up reflexively at first, but as the cicadas chirped softly in the night around them, he began to relax. No one was around to see them. He slowly reached out, returning Shouyo’s hug and resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Shouyo was acutely aware of where his hands rested on his back, their gentle warmth feeling like fire through his worn-out practice shirt. 

“Hey Kenma, uhh...” he started, feeling a bit embarrassed at what he was about to say. “They probably won’t miss us for a while, and it’s really dark around the side of the building so there’s no chance anyone will see so do you maybe want to... k-kiss?” He couldn’t hide the excitement that crept into his tone. He hoped Kenma was still comfortable and that they weren’t moving too fast; he was just super looking forward to a moment like this after thinking about kissing Kenma almost every day for the past two weeks. 

Kenma’s blush darkened to red, and he whispered “Yes...” softly against Shouyo’s shoulder. A huge smile broke out across Shouyo’s face, and he took off towards the darkness near the hill. Kenma was pulled along helplessly by his grip on his wrist. 

When they were sufficiently hidden by the stone wall of the building, Shouyo couldn’t hold back any longer. He leaned in, pressing his dry lips against Kenma’s. Even a small kiss like this felt incredible to him. He loved how soft Kenma’s lips were, and how even though he was usually shy he responded to every movement. He was filled with an overwhelming urge to press against Kenma, to touch him and just be as close as possible. Wow, he really liked him. But it was more than just liking now. How had his feelings for Kenma grown so much in just a few weeks? he thought. 

—

When Shouyo’s lips pressed against his under the comforting darkness of the Shinzen building, Kenma felt like he might die right then and there. The warmth radiating off of his boyfriend was incredible, especially after a long day of practicing and running up the steep hill as punishment. They were hardly at their most attractive in their sweaty practice clothes, but his heart felt like it would beat right out of his chest. Every point of contact between their bodies felt as if it would be branded permanently into his skin. They shared a few chaste kisses in a row, pulling back and smiling at one another in between each one. Kenma could feel his anxiety start to melt away in his boyfriend’s presence. It was usually his constant companion, but something about Shouyo made it easy not to worry about anything. Maybe it was because he was always so confident, taking each new challenge in life with a smile and the determination to accomplish anything. Kenma teased him about his underdeveloped volleyball skills, but he knew Shouyo was on track to surpass him eventually. Lately, he wanted more and more to be by Shouyo’s side as he grew into one of the top volleyball players. Kenma had no doubts that he would accomplish such a thing. He wished he was better with words, so he could tell Shouyo how much he believed in him. 

At the moment, he was just enjoying the closeness after the long day of training. They pulled apart after another soft kiss, and Shouyo was giggling. Kenma couldn’t help but smile too. No one could look at him for too long and not smile, he thought. Dating him just compounded the effect, and now Kenma wanted to smile whenever he was around him. 

“This is so nice, Kenma!” he said, managing to keep his voice down even while he was bouncing up and down with excess energy in front of Kenma. “You’re super cute when you smile!” 

“I-i... uhm... what...” Kenma had no idea how to respond to that. How could Shouyo just say these things out loud??

“We should probably go back before they start looking for us, but I just wanna spend some more time with you,” Shouyo said, scratching the back of his head. “This totally isn’t fair!” 

Kenma agreed. His team was great, but being around so many people all day was giving him a headache. He didn’t want to risk Kuroo or someone from Karasuno coming to look for them, but... “One more,” he whispered. 

“Huh? What’s that, Kenma?” Shouyo said, stepping in closer. Their faces were just a few inches apart. 

“One more kiss... before we go back,” Kenma murmured, cheeks growing hot. He had to build himself up to ask for something like that, and the anxiety and relief of getting it out there left him trembling slightly. 

Shouyo closed the distance wordlessly, and their lips met once more. His arms wrapped around Kenma’s body, enclosing him in a tight embrace that made him feel safer. Slightly emboldened, Kenma let his lips part and his head tilt gently, and just like that their kiss was deepened. A tingling feeling spread from Kenma’s heart all the way through his body as Shouyo’s tongue brushed against his lip. He hugged his boyfriend back, trying to sear the moment in his memory forever. 

After a few minutes of clumsy kissing, they pulled apart. Shouyo was breathing like he had just finished a match, and Kenma couldn’t help but stare at his sparkling eyes and wet lips. The whole thing still felt a bit surreal. 

“That was sooooo amazing, Kenma!! You’re such a good kisser!” Shouyo said, enthusiastic as always. 

Kenma just blushed, kicking at the ground a little. “I’m your first kiss right? So you don’t really have anything to compare it to, to know if it’s good...”

“No, I know it was really good!!! You make me feel so... fwaaahhh!”

Kenma had no idea what that meant, but it sounded good. And honestly, he probably couldn’t do any better at describing how Shouyo made him feel. “We should go back, though,” he said regretfully. “Maybe tomorrow...” 

Shouyo beamed. “Yeah!!!” 

They walked back to the school building, Kenma still in a slight haze from their kisses. Being with Shouyo made him really believe that he would be accepted no matter what. The kissing had successfully driven the worries about his gender out of his mind, but being around dozens of guys all day had made his strange feelings intensify. His love for Shouyo made him want to tell him everything, open up like Shouyo would do with him, but the cold fear of rejection stopped him every time he even began to think of it. After a kiss like that, he didn’t know what he would do if Shouyo’s love was torn cruelly away from him all of a sudden. Maybe this will all fade tomorrow, he thought or hoped. He would be able to be with Shouyo without having to confess to the turmoil inside of him. Please, let that happen, he called out inside his head to anyone who might be listening.


End file.
